I WRITE THE INTERNET

Subreddit of the Week: r/postcollapse

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 11:53:10 -0700

r/postcollapse

Members: 21,978 readers

Common Posts: Stockpiling tips and convoluted ‘What if’ scenario queries

Recommended For: those who believe that the collapse of society is imminent or people fascinated by that mindset.

Notable Post: Shaving with Stone Razors

Notable Rule: Zombie posts are allowed but frowned upon.

Reviewing subreddits one week at a time until I get through all 67,000

cracked: If you were hoping Adam Tod Brown would come along and...

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 21:59:04 -0800

cracked:

If you were hoping Adam Tod Brown would come along and shatter all of your outer space dreams, have we got a treat for you!

Why The Future of Space Travel Is Going To Suck

I did this for Cracked, but pressure from the government forced...

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 12:47:50 -0800

I did this for Cracked, but pressure from the government forced us to post it as a YouTube exclusive so nobody would see it. Don’t let them win!

...as told by Diana Cook: Subreddit of the Week: r/shittyfoodporn

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 11:10:12 -0800

...as told by Diana Cook: Subreddit of the Week: r/shittyfoodporn:

dianacook:

r/shittyfoodporn

Members: 10,515 Plant Hungry Hipsters

Common Posts: Odd food pairings and food presentation disasters

Recommended For: those who don’t take their food too seriously. This subreddit is a nice little reprieve for anyone tired of being bombarded…

Some tweets are so important...

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 10:04:12 -0800

I feel like I need to post them on Tumblr. This is one of those tweets.

Thank you for your time.

I asked Randall Maynard to make the new Iron Man 3 poster into a...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 11:23:58 -0800

I asked Randall Maynard to make the new Iron Man 3 poster into a poster for the sequel to Hotel Rwanda. This is what he came up with. I’m understandably proud.

A Timeline of Recent Jokes About LL Cool J

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:51:00 -0800

The past few weeks have been busy for me and LL Cool J jokes. Up first was this zinger during the Golden Globes…

Ha! Because the movie that was nominated for a Golden Globe this year was a totally different movie! Get it?!?! Top shelf stuff.

Later, there was this…

What’s interesting about that joke is that it’s not funny. If you’re curious, I just had that album on my mind because of this paragraph from my column about Rap Albums that Ruined Rap, which was eventually cut from the finished article…

Every good writer knows you start any piece of fact-based writing with 150-200 words about an almost completely unrelated topic, but I cut this anyway, because that article was a million fucking words long already.

Next up, the Christopher Dorner drama and LL Cool J’s acting chops prompted more sass…

Don’t laugh at that, you jerks. Especially if you don’t know who either of those people are…

That was a great show. Anyway, the flurry of LL Cool J activity that resulted in this post ended with this goddamn gem…

You’re right, that IS a good one. If you don’t know what movie I’m talking about, it would be the aforementioned Deep Blue Sea. Naturally, LL Cool J had a song on the soundtrack to that film, and you can watch the video right here. If you think you don’t want to, I’d like to advise you of the following:

1. The video features synchronized swimmers and an orchestra inside what appears to be the swimming pool at a rundown YMCA…

And the chorus of the song, hilariously, is “deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark’s fin.” Which is probably why LL keeps his hat on the entire time he’s in the pool.

It’s to scare away the other sharks, you see. Here’s hoping those synchronized swimmers came up with a similar plan. And now, enjoy the video.

For jokes about people other than LL Cool J, follow Adam on Twitter and Facebook.

dianacook: What not to watch on TV this month - my latest for...

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 13:58:18 -0800

dianacook:

What not to watch on TV this month - my latest for Cracked.com

Jesery Shore for gypsies!

thisdanobrien: This hurts so much, because I’m a giant Jason...

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 15:19:00 -0800

thisdanobrien:

This hurts so much, because I’m a giant Jason Bateman fan, but YIKES.

“Hey Massachusetts, I know you’re not legally allowed to be on the roads after 4pm because it’s insanely dangerous, but that shouldn’t stop you from helping my piece of shit movie IDENTITY THIEF be number 1 this weekend!”

It’s so rare that I agree with Dan. So very rare.

I made a joke about nobody liking overenthusiastic tambourine players...

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 11:15:00 -0800

…and then remembered that this happened once.

My apologies. Also, you should follow me on Twitter. Thanks.

Loved your article on Cracked today! The humor was flawless, and hopefully now people will be more informed about the issues involved with exotic pets and professional breeding. Also Foxy Roxy is adorable! What a cutie!

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:37:29 -0800

She’s a good puppy!

Calientes, Richmond VA. Ever been? Since you clearly enjoy sadomasochistic dining as much as I do, I recommend dropping by there if you are ever in town and ordering a big ol' cone of their Ghost Chili Fries. I'm not sure if there is a t-shirt at the end, because by the tenth one I had to run across the street to my apartment and take a cold shower for twenty minutes to get the residue off my face and hands. Then I shit my pants. Love your column!

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:33:22 -0800

You shit your pants in the shower? I don’t want those fries. At all.

I'm an 11 year old who wants to write as a career! Do you have any advice?

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:32:31 -0800

Try your best to be as funny as I am. Not funnier. Not until I’m done working, at least. But try to be as funny and you should be fine.

Your tag line is from Little Acorns and that makes you the best person.

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:31:21 -0800

Nobody knows what you’re talking about. But thank you.

Cracked told me to be your friend on Tumblr. Wanna go see a movie?

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:30:49 -0800

I don’t think you can do that on Tumblr. There’s probably a GIF we could watch or something.

Hey, how long has it said this?

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 15:00:18 -0800

So this woman brings her dog to the gym every day...

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 12:39:00 -0800

I don’t think I will ever quite understand what’s happening here. It’s not like she’s even doing exercises that can’t be performed at home. It’s like the whole purpose of this is to show the world that she’s quirky enough to bring her dog to the gym. But nobody wants you to be that quirky, lady. Not a single person.

An Argument About Hating Tom Cruise

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 09:27:00 -0800

What’s posted below is a question I received via Facebook regarding this article, the awesome and fascinating “5 Celebrities Who Get More Hate Than They Deserve, Pt. 2”. It’s about Tom Cruise and Scientology and whether his frequent endorsement of the sketchy teachings of his “religion” are a reason to hate him. I thought the question was interesting and I kind of like my response. So I’m posting them both here. I asked the guy. He said it was okay.

If you don’t believe this was written on the fly and without premeditation, I’d direct you to the “addendum” where I make the impossible-to-argue-against point that “young people tend to be a younger demographic.” Thanks.

Question…

Response…

Addendum…

dianacook: All Up in My Snatch and Other Google Disasters. My...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 08:13:49 -0800

dianacook:

All Up in My Snatch and Other Google Disasters. My recent article for Cracked.com

I just wanted to remind everyone that Bobby Brown wore a leather...

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 16:52:40 -0800

I just wanted to remind everyone that Bobby Brown wore a leather shirt that was only sleeves on one of his album covers. Thanks.